Say What?

Clarity

  • Can your noun actually perform the action of the sentence?

Before: When the case finally reached the highest court, it won.
(The case cannot win.)

After: When the lawyer finally tried the case in the highest course, he won.


  • Are modifying phrases and words modifying the correct thing?

Before: Journeying to Egypt, the anthropologists' tape recorder was lost.

After: Journeying to Egypt, the anthropologist lost her tape recorder.


  • Do any passages seem jumpy, disconnected, or difficult to follow?

    Underline the subject of every sentence in a paragraph. Do you have a coherent string of topics (Williams)? Do you suddenly shift to a new subject? If so, the new subject may not belong in the paragraph.

  • Have you subordinated information in the sentence, such that your main point is in the main or independent clause?

    Put your major point in the important position of the sentence.

Before: Hester Prynne wears the scarlet letter on her dress, symbolizing her refusal to obey Puritan law.

After: The scarlet letter on her dress symbolizes Hester Prynne's refusal to obey Puritan law.

  • Do you have clear references for pronouns "his, her, their" and words like "this, it"?

Before: Both Scarlet and Bonnie enjoyed the dinner that she had prepared. This is remarkable in the novel. It was quite pleasant.

After: Both Scarlet and Bonnie enjoyed the dinner that Bonnie had prepared, a remarkable and pleasant event in a novel that repeatedly depicts arguments over dinner.


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